Caregiving will change you.

Caregiving will change you.
This seems like an obvious statement but when I was starting out there was no way I could fully appreciate the reality.
Let’s imagine there were two versions of me (and perhaps there are if the multiverse theory is real).
In universe one I’m not a caregiver.
In this universe, I obviously am.
As I sit and write this thinking about the different arc each would take, I can’t imagine the two ending up in the exact same place as a person.

Universe one would not have watched someone they care about go unheard for years.
They wouldn’t have the same experience navigating government and medical systems more set up to put the onus on the patient than find resolution.
They wouldn’t watch how some providers use the system to protect themselves and their ego instead of working to aid the patient and find solutions and then, treatments.
Universe one would not see how an illness that doesn’t present visually impacts relationships due to questioning of severity.
He wouldn’t have to help the person he cares about shower, clean after bowel evacuation post seizure, or provide back percussion in order to help clear lungs during serious illness.
He wouldn’t watch her struggle to find purpose, fight systems set up to protect the bad within, or feel the impact and weight of her missing lifetime events because her body decided that day was the best day to misbehave.
You can’t do such things and not change yourself.
It’s impossible.
Because once you’ve been behind that curtain you see the world differently.

When you hear someone mention being a caregiver you have a respect that doesn’t exist without the late nights and the frustrated calls.
You see the fatigue in their eyes not just from those late nights, but carrying weight you’re unsure how to relieve.
I remember thinking when I began, “how hard can this really be?”
And this was after watching my Gram, Mom, and Gramp, team up in my Great Grandmothers last days so I wasn’t coming in completely unaware.

But nothing prepares you.

And honestly, in many ways, I have it much easier than millions of others.
Some caregiving is much more involved.
People who are completely physically limited or with cognitive problems that require help with everything, including breathing, to me are like the pro athletes where I’d consider myself in the mid minor leagues.
Those who care for parents or spouses with illnesses like dementia and Alzheimer’s are the All-Stars in my mind.
Just having my old man in his last days not recognize me is something I’ll never forget so living a life of the day after day takes a strength I can’t imagine.

These things will forever change you.
They’ll change how you see the world and those around you.
They’ll change what you build time for and what you don’t.
A yes before caregiving may be a no now and vice versa.
Caregiving has made me much more empathetic to everyone.
Hell, I could argue it’s made me a better coach not just because we have to consistently figure out how to make the world work for Shawna, thus giving me thousands of additional reps that help me change workouts for members with physical problems, I speak differently to people because I recognize what they present to the world and what their life is like behind their front door could be entirely different.
The, “be kind because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about” is proved daily by the caregiver as they navigate not only the health problems of their loved one, but their own as well.
Stress creates health problems and caregiving is absolutely stressful.
Not only that, it’s often taken on by people with higher degrees of agreeableness and neuroticism, putting people who already struggle with stress in positions of overwhelm, increasing likelihood of worse health outcomes.
Anxiety, depression, and burnout go hand in hand.
You’re worried about the current, thinking about the next moment and days, unsure who to talk to because you don’t want to burden others, and after months or years, find yourself completely worn out and on auto pilot.

And that changes you because how could it not?
All that said, given the same opportunity, I’d make the same choices.
This is part of what my life is meant to be and not only do I accept that as fact, I welcome it.
Because even with the hardships, struggles, frustration, discomfort, stress, and everything else that comes with caregiving, I wouldn’t change the life we’ve built and are building for anything.

Are there some things I’d like to be better at?
Of course.
Do I think I could be a better caregiver, husband, step-father, coach, community member?
Absolutely.
I’ll keep working on those daily.
And I’ll do that in large part because caregiving has changed me.
It’s shown me the fragility of life.
The importance of dignity.
The value of acceptance.
I’ve seen people smile through pain and heartache and comfort others through their own pain.
Caregiving will change you.
It won’t always be easy but at least in my case, it’s been worth it.

If this landed for you, we’d love to hear what caregiving has changed in you. Share in the ISAN Community on Facebook or drop a comment below.

Site designed and maintained by S. Barnes Designs, LLC